"Pride" - Psalm 10

"In the pride of their countenance..." (v.4a)

I've always been a huge advocate of context and rightly so. But in this case, I'm going to excuse that rule and focus on one word in this Psalm - the word "pride". It dominates the first portion of the Psalm in the sense that it is the reason the wicked treat the poor/helpless the way they do, that's for certain. But more than that, it's a word that leaps off the page at me!

"Pride" is a pretty good starting point when it comes to turning this whole thing around. It's a hard pill to swallow, probably one that most folks who would ever read this wouldn't have to deal with, but it's one that I struggle with regularly. It's a trap that is easy to fall in to and even harder to release yourself from. An almost insurmountable wall.

Perhaps I'd be best served if I simply asked God to tear that wall down!

Oct 16, 1969 Psalm 9

October 16, 1969 That was the day I gave my life to Christ. I have never denied that nor have I ever questioned that. Yes, there are times when I ask myself how someone could do or think the things I do or have done, think or have thought, and still call myself a Christian....but then I suppose I'm not alone in that arena. But I have never denied the decision I made that evening in a living room in Pasco, WA during a Campus Crusade for Christ meeting among a dozen or so other college students.

That was the day I came to "know" God's name. I came to "trust" Him, to "seek" Him. That was the day my life was turned right side up! Am I doing that today, I guess if you mean today then I suppose you could say yes. If you mean recently then definitely not. But like the "Hound of Heaven" I have never been able to escape that one fateful day on October 16, 1969! I always have to deal with that!

It would be easy if I could dismiss it as a hoax. Write it off as a drunken stupor. Erase it as though it were a figment of my imagination. Blot it out the same way I would a bad dream. But I can't. I was there!!! I know what happened!!! I may not be living a life that is glorifying to him, but you could put a gun to my head and I would never deny that day! Never!

So that's my conundrum....

And those who know your name

put their trust in you,

for you, O LORD, have not

forsaken those who seek you (v.10)

I know his name! But I'll be candid, I am afraid to trust him, consequently it makes it hard to seek him. There I said it.

Father Spirit, if you're reading this, I don't mean to be offensive. Just trying to be honest. As you know I've not done real well at trusting you in the past. In fact, I've been pretty quick to bail out at the first sign of real trouble. Not much staying power. But I think I'm learning to do things differently. I'm not sure what that means yet, but at least it's a start. What do you think?

Oh my....why can't I just let this be?

Who Am I? Psalm 8 Romans 10:3-4

Well, this was a real wake up call.

Over the past several years, during this little hiatus, my loving wife has tried on more than one occasion to try and offer suggestions to get me back on track. Each time I've tried to politely tell her to butt out. I really wasn't open to it.

Now this morning I find on my desk a note from her with the Romans passage and the thought that maybe, just maybe I think my sins are different or worse than other peoples sins and my way of dealing with it is different than other peoples. When all along, there is no difference, sin is sin and God deals with it all in the same manner - through the Cross.

Uhm....my first reaction (sorry honey) was to say to myself, "why doesn't she just stay out of it".
Then I began to think about what she said. Maybe she is right. Maybe I do think that for some reason, that my "situation" is somehow different or unique and has a category all it's own in God's framework of redemption. How bold is that?! How cocky can one man be?!

The Psalmist said "what is man that you are mindful of him".... perhaps if he read my thoughts he might say, "who the hell are you to think that you are that unique?"

When Paul talks about those folks "clinging to their own way of getting right with God" that is something that resonates with me. Now, how I bounce that up against that concept of apostasy I'm not sure. To me, that's the issue. At least I think it is.

Oh my....

What's The Potential? Psalm 7

Psalm 7:9b "...for you look deep within the mind and heart, O righteous God". NLT Or as the NRSV puts it "....you who test the minds and hearts..."

Recently Alice and I have gone to a couple of Classic Car shows in our area. At each show there have been a few cars for sale. Some unrestored; some partially restored; some fully restored. If you stand back and watch the people who may be interested "buyers" in the first two categories, you can see the wheels turning. It's like they are looking deep within the metal framework of the car "seeing" what it would look like after they had invested their hours of love bringing it back to life!

When I read these words of the psalmist, I wondered if God was looking deep within my mind and heart and seeing what it would look like? What did he see?

Does he "see" deeper than I "feel"?

Does God "see" deeper than I "see"?

Can this mind and heart be salvaged - or is it good only for the scrap yard?

I know what goes on inside my mind and sometimes it repulses me. I know what my heart really feels at times and sometimes it makes me sick. If God sees all of that, what possible interest could he have in me? Or put another way, knowing all of that is there, why should I bring shame to the Kingdom by bringing that to the table?

The psalmist was worried about his enemies - heck, not to worry there, I'm my own worst enemy!

How It All Began - Part II

Trying to fill in everything that has gone on in between those years would seem almost insurmountable. And for most any one who would stumble across this and choose to read it, rather boring. So let's just say - there was an ebb and flow in my life that never proved consistent, nor fulfilling. I had basically come to this conclusion:

God/Jesus said....IF you keep following me then you are my disciples. IF you don't, then you are not.

Now granted that's rather a simplistic version, but the conditional aspect of the gospel is something that most people chose to ignore. The proposition that apostasy is a biblical truth and a distinct possibility is also something that makes people really uncomfortable. All that aside, where I found myself is basically in a position of walking away from my commitment to Christ. Reason - couldn't, wouldn't, didn't want to, pay the cost any longer.

What I am learning as I get older is this. My house was basically built on the sand and it didn't take much to bring it down. Each time I attempted to rebuild, for whatever reason, I chose to build in the "same location", with the same results. Consequently, I became angry, bitter, resentful, and very depressed.

Each time I enter a church or find myself confronted with a meaningful presentation of God's love, I must confront all of this and it's uncomfortable. It hurts my heart every time. So most of the time, I choose not to put myself in those situations. That's one of the reasons why I'm doing this blog. It's a way for me to deal with all of this in an environment that seems "safe" - probably isn't in all reality, but it seems like it to me.

Well, I don't know if any of this makes any sense. Not sure it really matters, no offense. It really doesn't have to. It's just the way it is.

"Sick and Tired" Psalm 6

Psalm 6: 2 Have compassion on me, LORD, for I am weak. Heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony. 3 I am sick at heart. How long, O LORD, until you restore me? (NLT)

It's pretty obvious from the context that the psalmist is gravely ill. He is "languishing" (NRSV) and waits anxiously for YHWH to restore him.

Languish and restore - now there are a couple of concepts that are appropriate to my condition.

Kenny Rogers wrote a song a long time ago with the line "I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in". One of the other lines goes like this...

I pushed my soul in a deep dark hole and then I followed it in...

For years I've been languishing in that hole. The rationale for it has been built around apostasy. It's a valid principle for certain, but I'm trying to determine whether it's been my "crutch" or my "condition".

There is so much to deal with - it's hard to know where to start. I'm not a very patient man when it comes to "fixing" things. I want to get it done and get it done now. I'm not one who has found enjoyment in the process, I want to see the finished product.

Oh - this will be fun! :)

Psalm 5 - Right Timing

Psalm 5:7-8

But I, through the abundance of your steadfast love will enter your house,

I will bow down toward your holy temple in awe of you.

Lead me, O LORD, in your righteousness,

because of my enemies;

make your way straight before me.

It's sometimes unnerving how God's timing works. I suppose we've all experienced it at one time or another. Some, I reckon, have chalked it up to coincidence, others to a "wow" experience, but truth of the matter is, it's God's little way of saying - see - I know what's going on, I'm in charge, do you get the hint?

It was what seems like a hundred years ago. The place was Hereford, Texas. I was still in College, my final year, and pastoring Avenue Baptist Church full time. My wife Paula, was pregnant and there were a myriad of things going on in the church, at school, and in our personal lives. I was, in all candor, buckling under the weight. But there was no way I was going to show "weakness" to my wife, or anyone else for that matter.

One evening, we were watching an episode of Bonanza. Some of you reading this may not even know what that show is, but back in the 70's it was a very popular weekly Western series. In this particular episode, (here goes the memory again) I think Pa Cartright was gravely ill or had been in an accident and near death. Hoss, the biggest and strongest of the three sons overcome with despair, took a walk in the woods near the ranch house, to be alone. At one point he stops, looks up at the sky and simply begins to cry and says, "God I don't understand why" or something similar. Whatever he said, triggered the floodgates of my emotions and I sat in my chair and began to cry uncontrollably.

I could not believe what was happening in my life; in our life; why was all this going on? What had I done to bring this on?

As I'm writing this, it seems to me, that that period may have been the beginning of the "end" for me in some respects. That may have been the time when I started "fighting" instead of learning or growing.

Now you'll probably think this is silly - but it took a movie we watched this weekend to wake me up to a certain reality. The movie was Evan Almighty, it's the comedy about the guys who is told by "God" to build an ark. Well in that segment, Morgan Freeman (who plays god) has a scene where he explains some things to Evan's wife. Things about how God works. It goes something like this:

"When you ask God for patience, does he give you patience, or does he give you situations where you need to exercise patience?"

"When you ask God for courage, does he give you courage, or does he give you situations where you need to be courageous?"

When watching that scene and hearing those words, the tears started to flow because I knew there were some pretty significant times in my life when I missed some opportunities to learn some things - as a direct answer to prayer but I expected a product not a process!

Oh my, no wonder I always thought the "cost was too high". When you're expecting the admission to be free, because of your own ignorance, you can't blame the guy at the ticket booth when it comes time to pay for the ticket!

Simple truths could lead to profound changes.

Psalm 4 - "Disturbing"

"When you are disturbed, do not sin..." (v.4a)

The NLT translates that word "disturbed" as angry. Which in the context is appropriate. But when I read this text, I came back to this verse, especially this first portion and thought you could put any number of things in that slot.

....when you are frustrated
....when you are tempted
....when you are hurt
....when you are lonely
....when you are depressed (especially appropriate for me! :) )
....when you are alone (different than being lonely)
....when you are _____

I think you get the idea. The point would be, when these things become an issue how do you respond to them. How do I respond to them?

Let's suppose that I'm the only one who does this.....usually, I rationalize whatever it is that I'm feeling, thinking, or about to do, and then go ahead. Oh I might hold out for an hour, a half day, a day, sometimes longer, but eventually - through my own rationalization, I go ahead. Usually it's because I have concluded that it's easier to "give in" than to resist, that's number one. And then it's easier to confess and ask forgiveness from God, then to fight the Enemy, that's number two. Pretty pathetic wouldn't you say?

Now, since I've had years to reflect and hours of counseling, I'm not sure I figured it ALL out, but I think I have managed to unravel some of it. My theory is that I respond this way because I don't know any other way to respond. It may be because of some of that "scripting" I grew up with that said, you'll never finish; that won't last; you can't do that why would you want to try? Indeed, I haven't finished, it hasn't lasted, I haven't been able to do that so I quit trying. It may be for the plain lack of follow-through. Or some of both.

You may be beginning to see a pattern here. It's not encouraging. If you were to look you would see that there are multiple efforts at trying to "find" myself - a.k.a. that which gives me purpose and passion. Sometimes it looks like a bad game of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey! And appropriately enough, some would look at my life and say, "what a jackass!"

But it ain't over yet!

How It all Began - Part 1

I'm not certain what year it was. We lived in Illinois at the time. Alice, Shad, and I. There were a lot of issues between Shad and I - Shad is my youngest son. He came to live with us when he was around eleven, I think.

Note: My memory on some things is not as good as it use to be. Some things I remember like it was yesterday, other things just don't register any more. Not sure whether it's the meds I take or just old age. Either way, if I'm vague on things, it's not by accident, just can't remember some specifics.

Anyway, there were a lot of "circumstances" surrounding Shad's coming to live with us. Things that impacted our relationship and his perspective on things. But I reckon that's neither here nor there when you net things out. But it did play a role.

Overall, our life was good. I had a great job - Alice had a good career change in to residential construction that was doing well - and overall, we seemed to be doing okay as a family. We were attending Village Church of Gurnee during this time. Shad was involved in the youth group there; Alice was on the building committee; and I taught Adult Bible Study groups.

Then for whatever reason, things began to head "south". In a hurry. It's hard to put together all the details but it wasn't pretty. Much of it centered around my son. We struggled at every turn. When some of the church staff attempted to get involved, something they had no business doing since they had no clue what was going on, I politely told them to take a hike. Then not long after that, one our best friends from our bible study class took us to task on some things, again before some of the church leadership. This session was pretty bizarre, but moderated by some one I trusted so it went better than the other. Nevertheless, things continued to slip away. That friendship ended, my life continued to spiral and then it all came to a head....

I was asked to fill the pulpit while our pastor and several other's from our church were away at a Promise Keepers Meeting. The theme of my message was from Paul and his comment that "this one thing I do..." and the thrust of it all was - and this is what I said, I want to be a man of God.

Never had words sounded so hollow to my own ears. It was like I was sitting in the front row watching myself and saying "you're full of crap Mac! You can't even manage your own family so how the hell could you ever expect to be a man of God!"

Well, I don't know if any of that was true, but I believed it. I walked away after that second service and basically never looked back --------- until now. Then, as I had done once before, I basically told God that this is just too hard; the cost is too steep; and continuing to breach family wasn't what I signed up for.

Uhm....wonder if the Cross is what Jesus signed up for?

To BE CONTINUED

Enemies? What Enemies?

The psalmist writes,

"O Lord, how many are my foes! Many are rising up against me;

many are saying to me, 'There is no help for you in God'" (3:1)

As I read that it became pretty clear to me that in this journey I only have one real enemy and that's myself. I am my biggest foe. Oh, I'm sure those of you more devout than I will say it's the Evil One, but in truth... it's me.

I am the one is says "there is not help for you in God".

I am the one who says you have turned your back one too many times and there is no going back.

I am the one who subscribes to apostasy and believes it to be a valid concept and have convinced myself that perhaps, in my case, it has become irreversible.

There is so much in my own mind and heart that must find some since of relief or "reconciliation" that it seems almost an impossible task.

But wait...."Deliverance belongs to the LORD" the psalmist goes on to say. (v.8a) Could He...would He...should He?

Uhm.....if He were me, I know I wouldn't. But then I reckon it's a good thing He's not me.

Enemies?

Who needs enemies when you have a mirror.

Where To Begin

Over the past couple of days I tried to determine where to start my scripture reading. So I first started in Psalms. I love the Psalms. Then I started some reading in Mark, just to get a feel for the NT again. Then today I read 2Cor. I guess that was probably a good one since Paul was dealing with so folks who had some real issues, much like myself.

In his closing remarks he expresses a wish or prayer "that you may become perfect". Or, as the NLT puts it, and I paraphrase, restored to maturity. Apparently that word for perfect or restoration is a word that means to reset bones that have been dislocated, or a joining again. I reckon that's appropriate for what I'm feeling, a bit disjointed - and where I'd like to be - rejoined.

Now I suppose for all of this to make sense to anyone who happens to come across this and wants to share in this journey, it might be good to know how it all "started" - or what happened to get me where I'm at. Oh my, that's going to take some doing. You might want to come back for that one. Heck, I might even want to come back for that one! :)

Welcome

I suppose it's a huge risk inviting folks to share this journey. But then there is a method to the madness. It does breed a certain level of accountability. And I need that. It also allows for some prayer support and some means for folks to offer encouragement, were you so inclined to do so.

Guess we'll see what happens.