Only Trusting

I find it hard to trust God.

Let me clarify. I find it hard to trust God when things are not going the way I believe they should; When I am not getting what I want or God is not acting on my behalf the way I believe He should. Rather selfish I know, but then isn't that what our culture is about in many regards - self indulgence, self gratification, the pursuit of more things, the "good" life?

In Matthew's Gospel, 6:19-34, Jesus spends some time addressing this issue. Within those verses there are two "therefore". As any good Bible student knows, when you see a "therefore" you always want to ask, "What is it there for?" In this section they are there for two reasons: 1) to teach us "not to be anxious about your life (v. 25)" and 2) "do not be anxious about tomorrow (v. 34)."

Prior to the first "therefore", Jesus talks about laying up, looking out, and laying down. His point is rather succinct. Laying up my list of wants is what gets my love.  Where my mind's eye shines light, the things I am looking out for, is where I converge my attention. Laying down my life to get more, is what exposes my devotion. It is all about a misdirected me.

Did I mention that I find it hard to trust God? It is hard because I am often too busy laying up stuff for myself. I am looking out for and lusting after things to clutter up my life, not to mention my garage. My devotion is on getting more, not on getting God.

My fear is rather simple. If I let go of laying up, looking out, and laying down, then how will I define success?  How will my neighbors know how good my life is? How will I be able to tell others how much God has blessed us ---- WITH?

I do not know how I am going to free myself from all of this. Acknowledging it has been a good first step for me. However, I find it so hard to let go. My fist is clinched so tightly around wants and desires. If I free myself from it all, will I loose it all? If I loose it all will that engender greater trust or fuel resentment and a renewed passion for replacing those possessions?

Did I mention I find it hard to trust God?